received a certified letter from Brandon's
attorney's yesterday, which contained
recently escaped from his Arab-Berber
master in the Islamic Republic of
Mauritania. He was given to a young
woman as a wedding gift, but she later
traded him for three camels, gin and
a carton of cigarettes. (Editor's
Note: We tried to contact The Mauritanian
Embassy for confirmation, but they
did not return our calls).
by his new sense of value (three camels
has the American value of one 1995
Acura), he snuck away from the encampment
disguised as a rabid dog named Pinky.
Traveling from village to village,
he finally made his way to the coast
and sneaked on board a garbage barge
headed for the islands of Wallis and
Futuna in the South Pacific. While
onboard, he survived on scraps of
fishheads, coconut shells and kale.
on Wallis and Futuna, Brandon helped
the native population by solving their
deforestation problems, and teaching
them the meaning of "Bling Bling".
They elected him governor of the island
collective, and Brandon took three
wives and sixteen heads of livestock
from the grateful villagers.
rainy afternoon, he decided it was
time to return to the States and joined
a fishing schooner on it's way to
Hong Kong. The boat captain's paperwork
was forged and the boat was turned
away, so in desperation, Brandon crept
over the side at night and swam to
next morning, he woke up on a park
bench and the first person he saw
was Dave Nolan, snapping pictures
of the Hong Kong harbor like a Japanese
tourist in Times Square. Nolan was
overjoyed to see him, since he had
been traveling the world in search
of the perfect person to be the lead
in his next show. Brandon was hesitant,
but Dave was finally able to convince
him after he paid three Chinese women
to "walk on Brandon's back"
for an hour.
received a telegram from his third
wife, Alofina, complaining that the
cows needed milking, the children
were running wild and that his two
other wives broke the screen door.
He plans on returning in June.