Note: we received the following note
from Jill, or more accurately, her
captors. It was shoved under the office
door and written on a cocktail napkin
with lipstick...our lawyers have instructed
us to withhold any comments, and if
anybody asks, just tell them that
we've been here since 8:30 PM.)
Help! Please somebody help me! As
you are reading this, they have me
bound and gagged in the theater basement.
They told me if I write this bio and
behave, then later I'll get to have
a bag of airplane peanuts, a shot
of tequila and a fresh pair of underwear.
I finally complied after they repeatedly
played a video tape of Brandon, wearing
a thong and a pointed, double AA bra,
singing "Like A Virgin".
here I go. Interesting stuff about
me? I guess it all started when I
would steal my parents video camera
and....no...wait. ummmm I'll start
with the Gloucester County Summer
Drama Workshop. There I met and befriended
the most talented, intelligent and
wonderful people in the world. (Although
I don't know where any of them are
right now, they won't return my calls).
I participated in various shows that
finally led up to a lead role in "Godspell".
And I didn't even have to cry, stamp
my feet or have my father bribe the
numerous singing coaches and hours
upon hours of lessons from my talented
stepfather, things started looking
up. I landed the role of Sarah Brown
in "Guys and Dolls", and
Nora in "Brighton Beach Memoirs".
Not to mention other roles throughout
the South Jersey area and, well, yes,
I fell for a Spare Part Talent Contest
scheme, where I was lead to believe
that I had won first prize (a 57"
Sony Plasma TV, really, in retrospect,
I should have known) and when I came
to the theater to collect my prize,
they pounced. Through the hood, I
heard muffled cries of "we got
her! we got her! to the basement!!
we finally have a talented female
lead!" and other comments too
garbled to understand.
imprisoned, they forced me to perform
in the typecast role of the large-breasted,
blonde, bombshell nurse in "The
Sunshine Boys". That was followed
by the role of Lorraine Sheldon in
"The Man Who Came To Dinner".
It's a bit of a blur, the show after
that. Something about me having a
Haitian nanny, and money, and there
was a gun and a lightening storm.
But that was right around the time
that they stopped giving me my Ritalin,
so I can't be sure. But soon after
that glowing success, (whatever it
was) other shows followed which finally
led up to the part of Ellie in "All
This And Moonlight".
after all the auditioning and studying
and bus trips to New York, after the
film and acting schools and commercial
work and work as an extra, I'm STILL
living with my parents! So if there
is anyone out there who has the funds
to pay the ransom to my sick and twisted
captors, please, PLEASE, Pay The Price
and HELP ME GET OUT OF HERE! After
all, I've got an audition in NYC tomorrow