Irwin hasn't been herself lately.
The other night, during rehearsal,
she drank three, 20 oz. cups of coffee.
And it was 7-11 coffee, not even WAWA
coffee. But anyway, the point is,
is that is was free coffee. And by
the time she got to the third coffee,
it was cold. Cold, free coffee. Miss
Irwin was a little disappointed that
nobody brought any snacks. Halfway
through the second 7-11 coffee she
thought it would be nice to have a
didn't fall asleep that night until
2, maybe 2:30 am. Sometime around
4:45 am she woke up screaming "Do
You Want FRIES With That!?!"
and had to get up to go take some
Excedrin. She looked at the bottle
and wondered to herself how much each
one of these little, red Excedrin's
actually costs, and did she really
need one. "Maybe I should just
take one, save a little money, try
to make 'em last". After standing
there a moment, staring at the bottle,
she didn't take any and went back
to bed. She laid there for an hour
trying to do the math in her head.
Irwin says that the one good thing
about her unemployment running out,
and nary a job on the horizon, is
the weight loss. She was already producing
the current show when Dave asked her
to do a small part in the play. "But
Dave, you've cast all these tiny,
slim little people in your show, are
you sure you want an Amazon like me?".
He assured her that her super-sized
presence on stage would provide his
show with an additional comedic effect.
After giving it some further thought,
Miss Irwin realized that since she
was out of money, she might waste
away quite nicely by the time the
curtain rose, especially if no one
was going to bring any snacks to rehearsals.
a mess. Really. For the first time
in her life she's actually wondering
what kind of gas mileage she's getting.
If she could remember how to do the
math, Miss Irwin would surely have
figured it out. Instead, she's been
insisting lately that some of the
rehearsals should be at her house,
although she won't admit why. The
cast is reluctant because Miss Irwin
has been keeping the thermostat down
to an Arctic level and some of the
ladies have complained to Dave. They
said that they look unshapely in all
the layers of sweaters that they must
wear to keep warm. Miss Irwin likes
that they look unshapely. It makes
her feel thin.
sure that Miss Irwin will land on
her feet eventually. And even though,
in a few months, she'll be completely
mad, totally bald and covered with
a shocking rash, we feel sure that
she'll be able to find employment
in her chosen profession. But if she
doesn't, think about keeping a few
snacks in your pocket, just in case
you run into her.